Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
