I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
