He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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