isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
