If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
