I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
