I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
