You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
