she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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