Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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