I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
