Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Are my feet made of real feet?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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