I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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