would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
