Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
