I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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