last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
