Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
