I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
