shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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