I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
