A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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