so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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