I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
