So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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