He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
