when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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