i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
