She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
