About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Let's paint friendship bongs
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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