just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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