Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My feet surprised me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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