im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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