The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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