i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
