if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
