you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
