I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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