i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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