mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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