I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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