I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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