I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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