so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
