I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
