she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
