Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
