Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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