Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
