she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
