If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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