Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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