I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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