my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
